JOHN CARPENTER and HALLOWEEN

I just watched a biographical documentary that went behind the scenes of John Carpenter's 1978 Halloween.  It interviewed numerous people who participated in the making of this horror classic, and filled the viewer in on the reality of the actual innovation that lies behind the creation of "Michael Myers" and the infamous Halloween series.  


I fucking love John Carpenter and cannot stress the extent of how these two hours just sparked my ambition and passion for horror filmmaking.  This shit spoke to me today.  With this said, I was influenced to write this blog and spread the awareness on the amazing originality of this film and Carpenter.  


I learned today that no blood or gore was ever seen in this original, 1978 version, not to be confused with Rob Zombie's 2007 remake.  Are you shitting me?  This makes me want to watch it again just to confirm this theory is indeed not fabricated.  Apparently the music, sound effects, and physical movement were enough to fool everyone including myself.  I can't even imagine being terrified of a film that doesn't screen blood painted walls or vomit inducing injuries.  This alone is impressive.  


The secret behind the mask was pure luck mixed with talent.  Carpenter hunted for a plain, rubber concealment as a base to trigger his vision, and ultimately chose the mask of a Star Trek character.  White paint smothered the mild facial modifications and hair alterations were established, creating the spine tingling face of "Michael Myers".  Yes, it's currently the lock screen on my i phone:)


Carpenter accepted this challenge in filmmaking primarily for the work aspect of it.  Considering his absence of fondness for the horror genre, he pretty much looked at this as another piece of experience to intertwine into his film reel.  He was considered a newbie in the industry during this production and was only thirty years old!  What inspiration...and relief for a quarter life crisis victim like myself!  


The cast was loaded with fresh meat.  There was a time when the name Jamie Lee Curtis was unheard of, and this was it.  The actual "Michael" was played by the completely inexperienced Nick Castle.  Ironically, his "victims" portray him to be  a light hearted goofball.  PJ Soles, the "boobie shot" girl, laughed as she recalled the production.  She highlighted Castle for being considerate and concerned with her safety during her fatal strangulation scene.  She even confessed that the sight of "The Shape" always makes her laugh because she is reminded that it is Nick Castle.  


Above all, every single person who contributed to this burst of horror aesthetic worked their asses off, but absolutely cherished every moment of it.  If you catch this story on the Biography channel, totally check it out!  I'm sure it will be obnoxiously replayed for the rest of the month.  I'm also pretty sure I napped today and dreamed that John Carpenter is going to be at the next Monster Mania Convention.  My fingers are crossed...

TRAIN

2008
Director:  Gideon Raff
Writer:  Gideon Raff
Starring:  Thora Birch, Gideon Emery, Kavan Reece, and Gloria Votsis


I woke up today with fresh October air gushing into my nose, which reminded me that Halloween is on its way!


My eyes scanned my DVDs, searching for a horror movie I have never seen before. When I came across Train, I remembered picking it up off a Blockbuster shelf.  If Thora Birch is in it, I need it.  


In order to find a good horror film, I have to sift through endless shitty ones.  I crossed my fingers and put the DVD in.  


I bit into my lunch as I pushed play.  The credits floated around the screen while a man was cut from head to toe right before his skin was ripped off.  The squirts of mustard in my mouth never felt so grotesque.  


In all seriousness, the film was fucking gory.  If you have a stomach of steel, you will agree with me when I say I totally dig it even with its overindulgence of blood.  


The plot centers on a group of Americans who miss their train to a European wrestling match.  They board another train with the influence of a stranger's recommendation.  And ten minutes later the screen is bludgeoned with thousands of dollars worth of corn syrup, or fake blood if you will.  


I really appreciate how the movie actually made sense!  Holy shit, a horror movie with a realistic plot!  It may be fucked up, but it sure can happen in real life.  It's another reason why I don't visit foreign countries to say the least.  


I totally recommend this to those who seek a good pre-Halloween scare.  My love, Thora Birch is a fucking rockstar in this flick! I'm sure you recognize her from Hocus Pocus.  Well little "Dani" is all grown up now and is a badass chick during this ride.  

HORRIBLE BOSSES

2011
Director:  Seth Gordon
Writer:  Michael Markowitz (screenplay and story), John Francis Daley (screenplay), and Jonathan M. Goldstein (screenplay)
Starring:  Jason Bateman, Charlie Day, Jason Sudeikis, Colin Farrell, Jennifer Aniston and Kevin Spacey


I've been on a comedy kick lately, but this one should just about wrap it up considering it's HALLOWEEN MONTH!  


I liked this movie.  I wouldn't call it hilarious, but there were some funny scenes!  I love Jason Bateman and just about everything he's in.  I'm not too familiar with Charlie Day or Jason Sudeikis, primarily because I avoid stupid humor movies.  Colin Farrell and Jennifer Aniston are awesome in this!  I've never seen Colin look so nasty and Jennifer so hot!  Above all, Kevin Spacey is the shit and makes this movie!  Obviously this movie does no justice for Spacey after seeing him in The Usual Suspects and American Beauty, but it sure shows us his capability of mastering the role of a psychotic douche bag.  


The movie is about these three guys who are mistreated and taken advantage of by their asshole bosses.  This is funny enough because who can honestly say they love their boss?!  Well, hopefully your boss isn't a coke head, sexual predator, or over the top jerk off.  Well... I said hopefully.  So anyway, these pussy knuckleheads decide to kill each other's bosses.  All goes terribly wrong, but magically works out in the end, as these types of plots typically do.  


The one negative thought about Horrible Bosses that just won't evaporate out of my mind is that the ugliest of the three guys gets pussy all the time.  Yes, I am talking to you, Jason Sudeikis.  What the fuck?  It's more unrealistic than this plot itself.  


Oh yeah, Jamie Foxx is in it too...not too impressed, but I do dig his tats!  Aaand, my favorite scene definitely has the phrase "suck dick for $20 in it"!  :)

YOU AGAIN

2010
DIRECTOR:  ANDY FICKMAN
WRITER:  MOE JELLINE
STARRING:  KRISTEN BELL, JAMIE LEE CURTIS, ODETTE ANNABLE, AND SIGOURNEY WEAVER


NOW THIS IS WHAT I CALL FUNNY AS SHIT CALORIE BURNING.  IT'S A CUTE, SILLY FLICK THAT ALLOWED ME TO FALL IN LOVE WITH KRISTEN BELL.  AAAND IT CONTAINS MORALS!


I REALLY LIKED THIS BECAUSE I FEEL LIKE EVERYONE CAN RELATE, OR AT LEAST FEEL THE PAIN OF KRISTEN BELL'S CHARACTER, MARNI.  MARNI IS A SUCCESSFUL WOMAN WHO FINALLY OVERCAME HER TORTUROUS AND DREADFUL HIGH SCHOOL MEMORIES, ONLY TO SUDDENLY FIND OUT HER NUMBER ONE NEMESIS IS ABOUT TO MARRY INTO HER FAMILY.  THAT SUCKS!  MARNI'S ACTIONS AND REVENGE ARE THE REASON WHY I HEART KRISTEN BELL SO MUCH!


YOU CAN JUST IMAGINE THE COMPETITION FOR ATTENTION BETWEEN THE TWO GIRLS.  THEY CONSTANTLY MAKE SILENT ATTACKS ON EACH OTHER, HIDING THEIR HATRED FROM THE FAMILY.  AS IF THIS ISN'T ENTERTAINING ENOUGH, MARNI'S MOTHER IRONICALLY KNOWS THE NEMESIS' AUNT FAIRLY WELL FROM BACK IN THE DAY.  THESE LADIES TURN WEDDING REHEARSAL DANCES INTO DIRTY OLD LADY STRIP TEASES AND PRETTY MUCH EVERY PRE-WEDDING EVENT INTO A CLUSTERFUCK.  


I COULDN'T HELP BUT TO NOTICE HOW WELL KRISTEN BELL PLAYS THAT NICE, SWEET GIRL WHO GETS AGGRAVATED TO THE POINT WHERE HER EYES COULD POP OUT.  THE FRUSTRATION THAT EXPLODES OUT OF HER IS PRICELESS.  I MEAN COME ON, WE ALL KNOW THAT FEELING A LITTLE TOO WELL.  WHEN THAT SOMEONE IN YOUR LIFE TRICKS PEOPLE INTO THINKING THEY'RE MARSHA FUCKING BRADY WHEN YOU KNOW THEY ARE FULL OF MORE SHIT THAN A PORT-A-POTTY.  YEAH, THAT FEELING OF WANTING TO punch THE LIES OUT OF THEM.  


KRISTEN BELL AND JAMIE LEE CURTIS KICKS ASS AS A TEAM IN YOU AGAIN.  BESIDES, YOU GET TO SEE BETTY WHITE FLY LIKE A ROCKSTAR!

BRIDESMAIDS

2011 
Director:  Paul Feig
Writer:  Kristen Wiig and Annie Mumolo
Starring:  Kristen Wiig, Maya Rudolph, and Rose Byrne


Let me just start off by saying WHAT THE FUCK?  I think I got a defected DVD because this CANNOT possibly be the movie everyone was RaViNg about!  


I thought about this movie all day (after wasting a whole two hours watching it... since when are comedies two hours???) and finally figured out what really irritated me.  Usually movies in this genre contain a series of events that just go wrong in the life of the main character.  Embarrassing yet honest and realistic problems arise, causing the main character to react in a funny manner.  I feel that Christmas Vacation, American Pie, and You Again execute this routine and as a result, we laugh...numerous times.  They over exaggerate and make fools of themselves, and as we watch we somewhat justify their actions because we know if we were put in the situation, our lives would be a comedy show too.  


For example, Clark Griswold is forced to deal with assholes, a burning Christmas tree, 4728324238 lights that just won't work, and an insane brother-n-law in Christmas Vacation.  American Pie's Jim deals with all those puberty-driven obstacles we all are familiar with.  And Marnie, well you will just have to read my next blog, You Again.  


I feel like Bridesmaids was more "stupid humor".  The main character just tried too hard to be funny.  It was like instead of doing stupid and funny things, she was just stupid.  I thought her whole dating life was a joke.  Nothing hilarious ever came out of it.  I did dig the carrot cake though.  I didn't like the poopy puke scenes to say the least.  I also wasn't fond of the shower or even the plane ride.  The airplane scene especially should have been funnier.  I've see drunk girls on the train do worse and they weren't starring in a comedy movie, or at least they didn't think so;)  


I do admit the large, blonde English roommate was my favorite.  I did indeed laugh during her two short scenes.  There's just something about that English muffin!  Maybe this bitch should have been the main character because she would have committed some screen worthy and wild shit.  I also chuckled whenever the large "lesbian" bridesmaid even spoke, but still, I wanted more!!!  


I guess all the commotion people stirred up with this title really urged me to believe this was going to be the female version of Wedding Crashers that I've been waiting for.  I don't know, but they say laughing makes you lose weight.  Well I gained weight during these two hours.  


I suppose this is why I should just stick to horror movies.  My opinion on comedies is far too eccentric, primarily because I was spoiled with knee-slapping 80s and 90s movies back in the day.  If you enjoyed this movie, PLEASE comment why.  I am genuinely curious what the fuck possessed EVERYONE I know to allow this movie title to escape from your lips in such a positive way.  I hope I pissed you off enough to comment:)  And in all seriousness, You Again is a healthier choice considering you will definitely burn more calories laughing!

THE PERFECT HOST

2010
Director:  Nick Tomnay
Writer:  Nick Tomnay
Starring:  David Hyde Pierce, Clayne Crawford, and Nathaniel Parker


I can't decide if I like or HATE this movie.  I think I hate it, but actually dig the ending.  Weird.  Usually it's the ending that bores my senses to hell, but this film was just fucking wacky.  


So, here is a generously, shortened version of the 90 minutes of torture I just endured.  A convict is on the run after robbing a bank and stumbles into a man's house, pretending to be someone he's not.  The convict unmasks his true intentions, only to find himself drugged, tied up, and sitting at a dinner table full of invisible guests invited over by the man of the house, who has multiple personalities.  Yes, I just spent an hour and a half watching a man converse, dance around, and take pictures of himself and his imaginary friends in a not so Drop Dead Fred manner.  


3735893 pictures later, the convict is free.  We then find out the convict was played out by his girlfriend who ratted him out to the police and is currently fleeing with their money.  He magically finds her and confiscates the money.  All is dandy until Mr. 65 Crazy Personalities shows up and takes the money.  Oh yeah, he is also the Lieutenant working on the convict's case.    A detective finally catches on to the truth after receiving a shocking picture in the mail.  The detective confronts Mr. Crazy Man only to eventually accept a dinner invitation at Mr. Crazy Man's house.  THE END.  


Rewind.  What the flying fuck? This movie reminds me of The Human Centipede because it's so random.  As I watched, I couldn't help but to ponder and grasp the reality of someone actually thinking this would be an entertaining movie idea.  Multiple personalities is one thing, but imaginary friends as dinner guests?  There was even one scene where Mr. Crazy Man eats from all six plates so it looks like his guests are eating.  I'd rather have my mouth sewn to someone's ass.  At least that way I wouldn't be able to watch such shit.  Well...


I do admit that David Hyde Pierce plays an amazing disturbed individual.  Also, I like the fact that his crazy ass self wins in the end.  Gotta love it when the lunatics on screen survive!  


This movie really influences me.  What I mean is, if someone can find people to finance a plot like this, I SURE CAN TOO!  Just like the stripper, Diablo Cody.  If she can do it, I sure as hell better be able to too!   ;D

coo coo coo coo coo coo coo coo coo coo coo coo coo coo 

OVERBOARD

1987
Director:  Garry Marshall
Writer:  Leslie Dixon
Starring:  Kurt Russell and Goldie Hawn


I feel like it's time for a chick flick.  Overboard is definitely one of my top lovey dovey movies, if not my favorite.  The music and costumes scream '80s, but in my opinion, the best films in all the genres originated in the 1980s and 1990s.  


Goldie Hawn plays a snotty, rich bitch who gets a rude awakening to say the least.  After being ripped off, Kurt Russell gets his sweet revenge by transforming Hawn into a personal slave.  The trailer at the end of this says it all...


I love this movie for several reasons.  It refrains from being sappy, like most films in this genre tend to be described as.  It's more like two people fall in love during this comedic plot.  It differs from other chick flicks because usually the love stories are overwhelming and fade out everything else going on in the film.  Boring.  


Kurt Russell's charm is priceless and simply shines.  He really does put an immense amount of personality into his character.  Hawn is amazing playing two personalities from opposite sides of the track.  It's classic watching someone of her status adapt into an average lifestyle.  Her failures at basic chores and surviving necessities, let alone raising three reckless little boys, are priceless.


This movie melts my heart, especially when "Dean" tells "Annie"  the legend behind why boats honk three times, all while Elvis Presely's "Can't Help Falling In Love With You", my future wedding song, plays in the background:) xo

SWAT

2003

Director:  Clark Johnson
Writers:  Robert Hamner (characters), Ron Mita and Jim McClain (story), and  David Ayer and David McKenna (screenplay)
Starring:  Samuel L. Jackson, Colin Farrell, and Michelle Rodriguez

"You still wanna join SWAT?"
"No.  I just enjoy applying every year."  


Cop movies never really spark my interest for obvious reasons, but this one does.  It's action packed, realistic, and has an awesome, twisted ending.  I dig it!


Pretty much, Colin Farrell gets a second chance after he and his now ex-partner deal with a mishap.  Their challenge of escorting an infamous convict was simple until he offered a multi-million dollar reward on national television to whoever helps him escape.  The shit hits the fan when the helpers are unmasked, revealing who the real bad guys are in the movie.  


Aside from this edgy plot, the film is intertwined with cool scenes of training and rock star music.  Not to mention, who doesn't want to watch Michelle Rodriguez kick ass?!  If you don't get your rocks off from her, I'm sure LL Cool J's 30 pack will do the trick for you.  The screenwriting is slick, but I must admit that my favorite scene is just plain bloody and throat slitting;)