YOU AGAIN

2010
DIRECTOR:  ANDY FICKMAN
WRITER:  MOE JELLINE
STARRING:  KRISTEN BELL, JAMIE LEE CURTIS, ODETTE ANNABLE, AND SIGOURNEY WEAVER


NOW THIS IS WHAT I CALL FUNNY AS SHIT CALORIE BURNING.  IT'S A CUTE, SILLY FLICK THAT ALLOWED ME TO FALL IN LOVE WITH KRISTEN BELL.  AAAND IT CONTAINS MORALS!


I REALLY LIKED THIS BECAUSE I FEEL LIKE EVERYONE CAN RELATE, OR AT LEAST FEEL THE PAIN OF KRISTEN BELL'S CHARACTER, MARNI.  MARNI IS A SUCCESSFUL WOMAN WHO FINALLY OVERCAME HER TORTUROUS AND DREADFUL HIGH SCHOOL MEMORIES, ONLY TO SUDDENLY FIND OUT HER NUMBER ONE NEMESIS IS ABOUT TO MARRY INTO HER FAMILY.  THAT SUCKS!  MARNI'S ACTIONS AND REVENGE ARE THE REASON WHY I HEART KRISTEN BELL SO MUCH!


YOU CAN JUST IMAGINE THE COMPETITION FOR ATTENTION BETWEEN THE TWO GIRLS.  THEY CONSTANTLY MAKE SILENT ATTACKS ON EACH OTHER, HIDING THEIR HATRED FROM THE FAMILY.  AS IF THIS ISN'T ENTERTAINING ENOUGH, MARNI'S MOTHER IRONICALLY KNOWS THE NEMESIS' AUNT FAIRLY WELL FROM BACK IN THE DAY.  THESE LADIES TURN WEDDING REHEARSAL DANCES INTO DIRTY OLD LADY STRIP TEASES AND PRETTY MUCH EVERY PRE-WEDDING EVENT INTO A CLUSTERFUCK.  


I COULDN'T HELP BUT TO NOTICE HOW WELL KRISTEN BELL PLAYS THAT NICE, SWEET GIRL WHO GETS AGGRAVATED TO THE POINT WHERE HER EYES COULD POP OUT.  THE FRUSTRATION THAT EXPLODES OUT OF HER IS PRICELESS.  I MEAN COME ON, WE ALL KNOW THAT FEELING A LITTLE TOO WELL.  WHEN THAT SOMEONE IN YOUR LIFE TRICKS PEOPLE INTO THINKING THEY'RE MARSHA FUCKING BRADY WHEN YOU KNOW THEY ARE FULL OF MORE SHIT THAN A PORT-A-POTTY.  YEAH, THAT FEELING OF WANTING TO punch THE LIES OUT OF THEM.  


KRISTEN BELL AND JAMIE LEE CURTIS KICKS ASS AS A TEAM IN YOU AGAIN.  BESIDES, YOU GET TO SEE BETTY WHITE FLY LIKE A ROCKSTAR!

BRIDESMAIDS

2011 
Director:  Paul Feig
Writer:  Kristen Wiig and Annie Mumolo
Starring:  Kristen Wiig, Maya Rudolph, and Rose Byrne


Let me just start off by saying WHAT THE FUCK?  I think I got a defected DVD because this CANNOT possibly be the movie everyone was RaViNg about!  


I thought about this movie all day (after wasting a whole two hours watching it... since when are comedies two hours???) and finally figured out what really irritated me.  Usually movies in this genre contain a series of events that just go wrong in the life of the main character.  Embarrassing yet honest and realistic problems arise, causing the main character to react in a funny manner.  I feel that Christmas Vacation, American Pie, and You Again execute this routine and as a result, we laugh...numerous times.  They over exaggerate and make fools of themselves, and as we watch we somewhat justify their actions because we know if we were put in the situation, our lives would be a comedy show too.  


For example, Clark Griswold is forced to deal with assholes, a burning Christmas tree, 4728324238 lights that just won't work, and an insane brother-n-law in Christmas Vacation.  American Pie's Jim deals with all those puberty-driven obstacles we all are familiar with.  And Marnie, well you will just have to read my next blog, You Again.  


I feel like Bridesmaids was more "stupid humor".  The main character just tried too hard to be funny.  It was like instead of doing stupid and funny things, she was just stupid.  I thought her whole dating life was a joke.  Nothing hilarious ever came out of it.  I did dig the carrot cake though.  I didn't like the poopy puke scenes to say the least.  I also wasn't fond of the shower or even the plane ride.  The airplane scene especially should have been funnier.  I've see drunk girls on the train do worse and they weren't starring in a comedy movie, or at least they didn't think so;)  


I do admit the large, blonde English roommate was my favorite.  I did indeed laugh during her two short scenes.  There's just something about that English muffin!  Maybe this bitch should have been the main character because she would have committed some screen worthy and wild shit.  I also chuckled whenever the large "lesbian" bridesmaid even spoke, but still, I wanted more!!!  


I guess all the commotion people stirred up with this title really urged me to believe this was going to be the female version of Wedding Crashers that I've been waiting for.  I don't know, but they say laughing makes you lose weight.  Well I gained weight during these two hours.  


I suppose this is why I should just stick to horror movies.  My opinion on comedies is far too eccentric, primarily because I was spoiled with knee-slapping 80s and 90s movies back in the day.  If you enjoyed this movie, PLEASE comment why.  I am genuinely curious what the fuck possessed EVERYONE I know to allow this movie title to escape from your lips in such a positive way.  I hope I pissed you off enough to comment:)  And in all seriousness, You Again is a healthier choice considering you will definitely burn more calories laughing!

THE PERFECT HOST

2010
Director:  Nick Tomnay
Writer:  Nick Tomnay
Starring:  David Hyde Pierce, Clayne Crawford, and Nathaniel Parker


I can't decide if I like or HATE this movie.  I think I hate it, but actually dig the ending.  Weird.  Usually it's the ending that bores my senses to hell, but this film was just fucking wacky.  


So, here is a generously, shortened version of the 90 minutes of torture I just endured.  A convict is on the run after robbing a bank and stumbles into a man's house, pretending to be someone he's not.  The convict unmasks his true intentions, only to find himself drugged, tied up, and sitting at a dinner table full of invisible guests invited over by the man of the house, who has multiple personalities.  Yes, I just spent an hour and a half watching a man converse, dance around, and take pictures of himself and his imaginary friends in a not so Drop Dead Fred manner.  


3735893 pictures later, the convict is free.  We then find out the convict was played out by his girlfriend who ratted him out to the police and is currently fleeing with their money.  He magically finds her and confiscates the money.  All is dandy until Mr. 65 Crazy Personalities shows up and takes the money.  Oh yeah, he is also the Lieutenant working on the convict's case.    A detective finally catches on to the truth after receiving a shocking picture in the mail.  The detective confronts Mr. Crazy Man only to eventually accept a dinner invitation at Mr. Crazy Man's house.  THE END.  


Rewind.  What the flying fuck? This movie reminds me of The Human Centipede because it's so random.  As I watched, I couldn't help but to ponder and grasp the reality of someone actually thinking this would be an entertaining movie idea.  Multiple personalities is one thing, but imaginary friends as dinner guests?  There was even one scene where Mr. Crazy Man eats from all six plates so it looks like his guests are eating.  I'd rather have my mouth sewn to someone's ass.  At least that way I wouldn't be able to watch such shit.  Well...


I do admit that David Hyde Pierce plays an amazing disturbed individual.  Also, I like the fact that his crazy ass self wins in the end.  Gotta love it when the lunatics on screen survive!  


This movie really influences me.  What I mean is, if someone can find people to finance a plot like this, I SURE CAN TOO!  Just like the stripper, Diablo Cody.  If she can do it, I sure as hell better be able to too!   ;D

coo coo coo coo coo coo coo coo coo coo coo coo coo coo 

OVERBOARD

1987
Director:  Garry Marshall
Writer:  Leslie Dixon
Starring:  Kurt Russell and Goldie Hawn


I feel like it's time for a chick flick.  Overboard is definitely one of my top lovey dovey movies, if not my favorite.  The music and costumes scream '80s, but in my opinion, the best films in all the genres originated in the 1980s and 1990s.  


Goldie Hawn plays a snotty, rich bitch who gets a rude awakening to say the least.  After being ripped off, Kurt Russell gets his sweet revenge by transforming Hawn into a personal slave.  The trailer at the end of this says it all...


I love this movie for several reasons.  It refrains from being sappy, like most films in this genre tend to be described as.  It's more like two people fall in love during this comedic plot.  It differs from other chick flicks because usually the love stories are overwhelming and fade out everything else going on in the film.  Boring.  


Kurt Russell's charm is priceless and simply shines.  He really does put an immense amount of personality into his character.  Hawn is amazing playing two personalities from opposite sides of the track.  It's classic watching someone of her status adapt into an average lifestyle.  Her failures at basic chores and surviving necessities, let alone raising three reckless little boys, are priceless.


This movie melts my heart, especially when "Dean" tells "Annie"  the legend behind why boats honk three times, all while Elvis Presely's "Can't Help Falling In Love With You", my future wedding song, plays in the background:) xo

SWAT

2003

Director:  Clark Johnson
Writers:  Robert Hamner (characters), Ron Mita and Jim McClain (story), and  David Ayer and David McKenna (screenplay)
Starring:  Samuel L. Jackson, Colin Farrell, and Michelle Rodriguez

"You still wanna join SWAT?"
"No.  I just enjoy applying every year."  


Cop movies never really spark my interest for obvious reasons, but this one does.  It's action packed, realistic, and has an awesome, twisted ending.  I dig it!


Pretty much, Colin Farrell gets a second chance after he and his now ex-partner deal with a mishap.  Their challenge of escorting an infamous convict was simple until he offered a multi-million dollar reward on national television to whoever helps him escape.  The shit hits the fan when the helpers are unmasked, revealing who the real bad guys are in the movie.  


Aside from this edgy plot, the film is intertwined with cool scenes of training and rock star music.  Not to mention, who doesn't want to watch Michelle Rodriguez kick ass?!  If you don't get your rocks off from her, I'm sure LL Cool J's 30 pack will do the trick for you.  The screenwriting is slick, but I must admit that my favorite scene is just plain bloody and throat slitting;)

BURIED

2010
Director:  Rodrigo Cortes
Writer:  Chris Sparling
Starring:  Ryan Reynolds and only Ryan Reynolds


Oh boy, where do I begin with this one.  How about, don't watch this.  Better yet, don't waste money on it like I did.  The ENTIRE 95 minutes were filmed inside a coffin.  Need I say more?


So the movie begins with Ryan Reynolds waking up in a buried coffin, and it ends with Ryan Reynolds dying in this very coffin.  There are no other actors or actresses seen in the film besides Reynolds.   It's fucking depressing that I didn't suspect this was going to happen before I purchased this piece of shit.  Even more irritating, I actually sat there in agony just to see this mother fucker stand up and stretch.  Unfortunately, neither of us got our satisfaction.    


I guess the creators were trying to make the viewer feel trapped like our lonely character was.  After all, the only thing I saw for an hour and a half was a small, dark space gated by four  walls.  I get that, but seriously, Chris Sparling, who the fuck wants to watch that?  This uncomfortable time made me squirm and literally join a gym immediately after my viewing.  


I must admit, when I read the description on the back of the DVD, I saw potential.  The story line was believable, considering Reynolds was kidnapped in a foreign land as a ransom.  I assumed he would fight his way out and kick ass like Liam Neeson did in Taken.  The cover for this DVD should be suffocated with a CAUTION label that reveals their budget could only afford Ryan Reynolds, four pieces of wood, and a snake for the entire filming of this.  

THE END

URBAN LEGEND

1998

Director:  Jamie Blanks

Writer:  Silvio Horta

Starring:  Jared Leto, Alicia Witt, Rebecca Gayheart, Tara Reid, Joshua Jackson, Danielle Harris, and Robert Englund

I was thirteen when this came out. By then I already grew accustomed to the bloody trail of gore left behind by Freddy, Jason, and Michael Myers, so I was pro.  Scream and I Know What You Did Last Summer came out shortly before Urban Legend, so I was intrigued to see if it could bring originality to the table and elevate itself above these other modern day horror movies.  

To be blunt, I fucking love this movie.  It's scary, original, and the killer is a chick!  Oh yeah, there's gonna be spoilers in here;)

The opening scene is classic!  "Turn around.  Every now and then I get a little bit lonely and..." and as you sing the rest of that line in your head, all I can do is visualize a masked killer jump up from the back seat and swing a beheading ax right through the fucking window!  Ouch!  Even I thought the gas attendant was the killer in the beginning.  This opener was an exemplary way to open the doors of this bloody tale.  

The death scenes grow more and more grotesque as the movie goes on. Sorry, but I always gave props to the "dog in the microwave" scene simply because the camera angle came out from inside the microwave. For a few seconds, that angle made you believe you were trapped in the small bloody box.  

Even though these deaths are based on well-known myths, they are pleasing to the eye of a horror movie fan.  Pop rocks mixed with Draino, raw screams of terror on the radio, ankle slicing, and almost a kidney!  Now, aren't you glad you didn't turn on the light?

The creators also trickle this story with foreshadowing and symbolism.  Right before Sasha's screams from getting slaughtered are heard on the air, a random kid at a party points out that a scream in a particular song is actually a real life scream dubbed off of a 911 call.  Also, if you have ever watched Dawson's Creek, you probably chuckled when Joshua Jackson's character turns on his car only to hear Paula "Hairy Armpits" Cole's "I Don't Want To Wait" blasting from the speakers.  

My favorite little trivia quirk in this film is at the end.  Right before the killer, Rebecca Gayheart's character, is seen alive retelling her own urban legend, a random girl jokes about the killer being the girl from the Noxema commercials.  If you recall correctly, Rebecca Gayheart is indeed the girl from those actual Noxema commercials.  

Rebecca Gayheart is one of the first girls to show me how pure evil can hide behind a sweet and innocent personality on screen.  This is my favorite quality in an actress because not all attempts of this are successful.  Gayheart's twisted character shows off more sex appeal than a drunk Tara Reid can ever accomplish!

One of the most notable things about this film is how well they hide the killer's identity.  I am pretty sure I accused every character of being the killer during my first viewing.  Everyone EXCEPT Gayheart's character ironically.  Obviously I am a professional at spotting the killer within the first fifteen minutes of every horror film, but even I must admit this movie gave me a run for my money.  

This film was also my motivation and influence every time my Oscar nominee self would publicly fake my own death at work using Pop rocks and soda:)  For this I thank you.  

Oh and before I forget, please don't misconstrue my words and watch any of the sequels because they are absolutely horrible.