BURIED

2010
Director:  Rodrigo Cortes
Writer:  Chris Sparling
Starring:  Ryan Reynolds and only Ryan Reynolds


Oh boy, where do I begin with this one.  How about, don't watch this.  Better yet, don't waste money on it like I did.  The ENTIRE 95 minutes were filmed inside a coffin.  Need I say more?


So the movie begins with Ryan Reynolds waking up in a buried coffin, and it ends with Ryan Reynolds dying in this very coffin.  There are no other actors or actresses seen in the film besides Reynolds.   It's fucking depressing that I didn't suspect this was going to happen before I purchased this piece of shit.  Even more irritating, I actually sat there in agony just to see this mother fucker stand up and stretch.  Unfortunately, neither of us got our satisfaction.    


I guess the creators were trying to make the viewer feel trapped like our lonely character was.  After all, the only thing I saw for an hour and a half was a small, dark space gated by four  walls.  I get that, but seriously, Chris Sparling, who the fuck wants to watch that?  This uncomfortable time made me squirm and literally join a gym immediately after my viewing.  


I must admit, when I read the description on the back of the DVD, I saw potential.  The story line was believable, considering Reynolds was kidnapped in a foreign land as a ransom.  I assumed he would fight his way out and kick ass like Liam Neeson did in Taken.  The cover for this DVD should be suffocated with a CAUTION label that reveals their budget could only afford Ryan Reynolds, four pieces of wood, and a snake for the entire filming of this.  

THE END

URBAN LEGEND

1998

Director:  Jamie Blanks

Writer:  Silvio Horta

Starring:  Jared Leto, Alicia Witt, Rebecca Gayheart, Tara Reid, Joshua Jackson, Danielle Harris, and Robert Englund

I was thirteen when this came out. By then I already grew accustomed to the bloody trail of gore left behind by Freddy, Jason, and Michael Myers, so I was pro.  Scream and I Know What You Did Last Summer came out shortly before Urban Legend, so I was intrigued to see if it could bring originality to the table and elevate itself above these other modern day horror movies.  

To be blunt, I fucking love this movie.  It's scary, original, and the killer is a chick!  Oh yeah, there's gonna be spoilers in here;)

The opening scene is classic!  "Turn around.  Every now and then I get a little bit lonely and..." and as you sing the rest of that line in your head, all I can do is visualize a masked killer jump up from the back seat and swing a beheading ax right through the fucking window!  Ouch!  Even I thought the gas attendant was the killer in the beginning.  This opener was an exemplary way to open the doors of this bloody tale.  

The death scenes grow more and more grotesque as the movie goes on. Sorry, but I always gave props to the "dog in the microwave" scene simply because the camera angle came out from inside the microwave. For a few seconds, that angle made you believe you were trapped in the small bloody box.  

Even though these deaths are based on well-known myths, they are pleasing to the eye of a horror movie fan.  Pop rocks mixed with Draino, raw screams of terror on the radio, ankle slicing, and almost a kidney!  Now, aren't you glad you didn't turn on the light?

The creators also trickle this story with foreshadowing and symbolism.  Right before Sasha's screams from getting slaughtered are heard on the air, a random kid at a party points out that a scream in a particular song is actually a real life scream dubbed off of a 911 call.  Also, if you have ever watched Dawson's Creek, you probably chuckled when Joshua Jackson's character turns on his car only to hear Paula "Hairy Armpits" Cole's "I Don't Want To Wait" blasting from the speakers.  

My favorite little trivia quirk in this film is at the end.  Right before the killer, Rebecca Gayheart's character, is seen alive retelling her own urban legend, a random girl jokes about the killer being the girl from the Noxema commercials.  If you recall correctly, Rebecca Gayheart is indeed the girl from those actual Noxema commercials.  

Rebecca Gayheart is one of the first girls to show me how pure evil can hide behind a sweet and innocent personality on screen.  This is my favorite quality in an actress because not all attempts of this are successful.  Gayheart's twisted character shows off more sex appeal than a drunk Tara Reid can ever accomplish!

One of the most notable things about this film is how well they hide the killer's identity.  I am pretty sure I accused every character of being the killer during my first viewing.  Everyone EXCEPT Gayheart's character ironically.  Obviously I am a professional at spotting the killer within the first fifteen minutes of every horror film, but even I must admit this movie gave me a run for my money.  

This film was also my motivation and influence every time my Oscar nominee self would publicly fake my own death at work using Pop rocks and soda:)  For this I thank you.  

Oh and before I forget, please don't misconstrue my words and watch any of the sequels because they are absolutely horrible.  

                        

CASE 39

2009
Director:  Christian Alvart
Writer:  Ray Wright
Starring:  Renee Zellweger, Bradley Cooper, and Jodelle Ferland






The one regret I have with this movie is not seeing it two years ago.  This is what I like to refer to as a sneak attack film.  A movie that appears to guarantee disappointment, but actually is awesome!


I went to Blockbuster the other night and picked out some cheap DVDs to fill more space in my living room.  As much as I love horror films, even I must admit that 85% of them suck balls to the core.  In my opinion, even if the story sucks, I feel my money is well spent as long as I at least get one cool death scene.  Not only did this film fulfill my quench for blood, but it was an all around cool flick.  


First and foremost, I love love love a child actor who can play two personalities.  How the fuck do they that?  When Jodelle Ferland first appears on screen, you automatically sympathize for her.  She literally looks like a child who has been through torturous abuse to the point where she is in that numb stage.  I remember being horrified and offended with the "oven" scene in the beginning, but by the time the credits roll it all comes clear to the viewing eye.  I cannot stress enough how talented this kid is, however, it probably has something to do with that fact that this actress has the face and height of an eight year-old, but will actually be turning seventeen next month.  Teenager or not, she still rocks!


The chill her little voice sends down your spine is priceless.  It is quite an achievement to manipulate the audience just as she did with Renee Zellweger.  She softens your heart right before she raises your arm hairs.  Not only do I give her tons of credit for her creepy way of verbalizing threats, but I must pat the back of writer Ray Wright for providing her with such a unique script.  


Another thing about horror movies that can make or break a story in my eyes is the realism behind the plot.  If it can't happen in real life, it doesn't scare me.  Sorry, but zombies, were-panthers, and other random creatures of the night just don't cut it in my book.  I do, however, believe in the existence of ghosts and demons.  I would not necessarily place this type of movie in the science fiction genre, however, I suppose you need to possess a spiritual and open mind to believe something of the sort could possibly happen in real life.     


This film executed my expectations for horror films.  It concludes with a believable ending that had an appropriate amount of blood and unique death scenes intertwined in its solid plot.  I definitely recommend this movie for those who seek a two hour escape to horror heaven.  As the credits roll over the creepy ending music, you will find yourself feeling grateful you are not being swallowed up by your own interpretation of hell.  After all, what is YOUR worst nightmare?  

GETTING INSIDE...DOMINIQUE SWAIN

I fucking love Dominique Swain.  How could you not love this gorgeous soul?  She doesn't star in many well known films, but she somehow exerts herself and stands out in all of her roles.  Luckily, I will have the pleasure of personally asking her just how she does it when I meet her at Chiller Theatre on October 29, 2011 :)

The Smokers stands high on my favorite movie list.  Aside from its originality and underlying darkness, Swain stars as a good girl surrounded by edgy peer pressure.  I refuse to give out any details of the film in the hopes you will just watch it for yourself.  Ladies will especially enjoy this flick, and believe me when I say Dominique never disappoints.

New Best Friend is another favorite of mine.  Swain portrays a character who is wildly exploding with exemplary behavior.  She is the perfect example of a spoiled brat dedicated to wasting her daddy's money, that is.  This is another movie that is just too good to spoil.  

A friend of mine introduced me to this film.  It was another one of those DVDs that sat comfortably on my list of impossible movies to find due to its lack of advertisement I suppose.  Even though its cast includes other well known names like Taye Diggs, Mia Kirshner, and Rachel True, even I have never heard of it before.  

This is exactly why you can understand how ECSTATIC I was to literally stumble across it in the Christmas Tree Shops.  No matter what store I am in I ALWAYS browse through the DVDs, no matter how small of a collection is on display, in the hopes of finding a lucky one.  Buried between Lifetime movies and unheard of 80's films sat ONE copy of New Best Friend.  Not only was it the best $5.00 investment ever, but it also was a sign it was destined to reside on one of my many DVD shelves because I absolutely fell in love with it during my first viewing.  This story exerts many aesthetics including foreshadowing and twists told with a flashback technique.  I am a sucker for flashbacks.  

Not only are these two films absolutely amazing, but they also reveal Swain's talent of playing opposite characters and personalities on screen.  

You may also recognize Swain from Face Off.  She played John Travolta's rebellious daughter who stabs him with a butterfly knife!  Awesome!  Although she did not stand out much in this film, you just have to credit her for learning the 'balisong' technique in that stabbing scene.