DONKEY PUNCH

Donkey Punch
2008


Director:  Olly Blackburn




Screenwriters:
Olly Blackburn and David Bloom




I woke up thirsty for blood today, so I did what any normal person would do in this situation.  I ran my fingers through a stack of DVDs until one caught my eye.  Girls in bikinis on the cover with the tag line "This Party is Going Overboard".  My smile widened as I turned it over.  It read blah, blah, blah, sex, drugs, and blood.  SOLD!

I slipped Donkey Punch into the DVD player.  A warning screen popped up preaching some shit about this being strictly for entertainment purposes and the production company isn't responsible for it.  I am so astonished how something so perverted could have slipped by my mind because all I had to do was google "donkey" and my friend Wikipedia informed me what a donkey punch is.  Needless to say, all I could think about while meeting the three female characters was which one is gonna get it.  Out of the guys I naturally assumed the obnoxious asshole of the four who was feeding the girls ecstasy and hits of crack would eventually reveal himself as the dirty culprit. (Obviously I missed all their names due to my wild imagination.)

To my surprise, I must admit that this movie had more to it than what I credited it for.  Pretty much, the rich boys have a yacht where they easily lure the girls for party time.  Drugs plus flirting equals a threesome being filmed.  Through peer pressure, the shy guy of the group gets too into it and fatally donkey punches the one girl.  Everybody freaks out and literally changes characters.  Ironically, the macho man turns into the pussy of the group and suddenly the geeky killer knows what he's doing.  Naturally, the guys and girls fight over calling the cops and disposing of evidence, and then bodies start to drop!

Shockingly, the girls slowly slaughter the boys, but not in the usual vengeful way.  Each death was actually noteworthy and made the movie unique and worth watching.  The macho man was first to go.  A quick stab in the chest left him there helpless and dying.  Then, the snotty yacht-owner boy tried to get tough with the girls and to his surprise, got shot with a flare gun.  Out of nowhere he lit up like a fucking firecracker and before long his manly voice was sent back to puberty.  The third death has to be my favorite considering one of the girls found this fucking magical chainsaw conveniently laying around and ready to go.  She came out like Leatherface and messed this guy up, spraying everyone with blood.  I, along with the remaining characters, stared in disbelief.  I know, it's crazy and weird, but it was awesome how these chicks were just going berserk and taking over!  Finally, after Leatherface killed herself, the surviving guy and girl took off in a small emergency boat where the final death match began.  Before the guy could even think about stabbing the girl, she tied the docking rope around his neck.  He flew overboard as my ears filled with the crackling sounds from his neck breaking.

The credits rolled as she shot another flare into the sky.  Yet another magic trick triggered as a rescue plane flew immediately into sight.  I must admit, the labels for this was dead on.  "Pure Nasty Fun.  A Bloody Blast."


For those of you still asking yourself what the fuck a donkey punch is.. you can thank Wikipedia for educating us all..
"Donkey punch is slang term for an apocryphal and potentially lethal sexual practice supposedly performed during anal or vaginal sex. The purported practice involves the penetrating partner punching the receiving partner in the back of the head or neck (what is known in boxing as a rabbit punch, after a technique to kill rabbits). The alleged goal is to cause the receiving partner's anal passage to tense up, thereby increasing the pleasure of the penetrating partner."

THE LOST BOYS

THE LOST BOYS (1987)

Director:  Joel Schumacher

Story Writers:  Janice Fischer and James Jeremias

Screenwriters:  Janice Fischer, James Jeremias, and Jeffrey Boam

A new family moves to a town where a bloody secret hides in the darkness.  With the help of  a local duo, two brothers uncover Santa Carla’s mystery, but can they stake  it without getting bit? 

“If all the corpses in Santa Carla were stand up at once, we’d have one hell of a population problem,” Grandpa says.  I love, love, love this movie for sentimental reasons and because it’s kick-ass.  Yes it’s an eighties movie, but I like the wardrobe and music that some would describe as cheesy.  To be honest, pale and skinny guys dressed in black and flying around on their loud motorcycles are way more intimidating than the new age pretty boy look.  Werewolves wouldn’t even fuck with these vampires. 

There’s enough blood to make the girls cringe, but overall it’s easily viewed in the dark.  Many vampire movies turn me away due to them allowing a love story to overpower the bloody action.  This movie is different.  It’s not as action packed as Tarantino’s From Dusk Til Dawn, but it’s totally visually satisfying.  Don’t misinterpret my feelings here.  You do see a little action, but it’s just that this movie is more eye-popping than pants popping.  They also stick to the original vampire rules, which means there is no sunlight protection or True Blood available on the menu. 

If you are a movie geek like myself, you will especially enjoy the use of the blue and red colors that accent the mood in some scenes.  The flying handheld scenes are fun, but the death scenes are classic.  You may grin with the death by stereo, but my favorite is the holy water, Death Breathe!   

Still thirsty?  Check out Tarantino’s From Dusk Til Dawn.  

STAND BY ME

STAND BY ME (1986)

Director: Rob Reiner

Starring: Wil Wheaton, River Phoenix, Corey Feldman, Jerry O’Connell, Kiefer Sutherland

Chris, Gordie, Teddy, and Vern go on a journey to find the body of missing local, but end up discovering much more than what they bargained for. 

Stand By Me is a classic film that tells a tale about four young men preparing for the next life level of being a teenager.  Each boy, Chris Chambers, Gordie Lachance, Teddy Duchamp, and Vern Tessio, has their own dysfunctional backgrounds, which motivates the flaws we see in them; however, just as each young man shows off their wild side, they also invite the viewer into their inner circle where their emotions and sensitivities rest. 

BOOGIE NIGHTS

BOOGIE NIGHTS (1997)

So I just watched Boogie Nights last night for 213^th time and just fell in love with it even more.  I love that it involves so much sexuality, yet does not earn a raw label.  It reveals just enough skin to avoid an awkward feel while watching it with a group of friends.  Well, a group of  “sexually loose” friends that is.  It wouldn’t compare to the eye covering reaction you would get if you popped HBO’s OZ in the DVD player.  As much as I love OZ, it should definitely come with a “twisted minds only” or “guaranteed to fuck you up” warning label. 

Mark Wahlberg was legendary in portraying Dirk Diggler.  As fame, money, and drugs dig deeper into Dirk’s mind, he becomes a ticking bomb.  Beginning with his unmotivated “thank you” speech at the award ceremony, his fairytale takes a downward turn to hell.  It hurts to fall in love with an innocent amateur only to grow bitter as he allows drugs to shred his dream apart.  We see this happen all the time in real life.  Gia Marie Carangie, Nikki Sixx, Steven Tyler, Sid Vicious and an infinite list of other models, rock stars, and actors have all publicly allowed drugs to take over their lives and eat their dreams.  I suppose most people’s tolerance after seeing this over and over has taken away their sympathy and turned it into disgust and critical judgments.  I must admit that I for one still have sympathy for these people because I’m afraid I would be just as guilty as they are if I had their opportunities and freedom.    

This film has a rocking soundtrack blasting in almost every scene, making you want to get freaky deaky.    It is a true rollercoaster ride that twisters through every emotion in the book.  By the end of the film, you are kicking yourself in the ass for not taking the porn star career path, but at the same time you’re thankful to be coming back to reality.  Aside from watching a porn star go through the ups and downs of sex, drugs, and rock and roll, you learn a bit of history about a real person.  John Holmes is the large packaged porno star who influenced Dirk Diggler’s character.  Although this film is mainly fictional, there is one scene that is loosely based on truth.  The drug robbery gone bad actually happened in real life.  The true story is way bloodier and gut wrenching than what is seen here, but you can, however, see it in the movie Wonderland.  Val Kilmer plays a filthier, yet a more honestly based version of John Holmes.  Although you don’t get to actually see Dirk’s package in Wonderland, you see some other body parts you really rather not see. 


(Wonderland, 54, Party Monster)

ANYONE'S SON and 4CHOSEN

ANYONE'S SON

I cannot stress enough the amount of arm hair that stands up when just thinking about Anyone’s Son.  I found Starline Films while reading a small article on this upcoming film in Weird NJ.  Ever since that day, I have felt an energetic connection to it, and am so proud to have the opportunity of a lifetime of helping see this film born. Considering I am well aware of the allegedly true events of Harry De La Roche, I assumed the script would bore me.  I am overjoyed to report how I wrong I was!  I fell in love with this script, and hope to meet the screenwriter one day soon. 

There were many points in the script that struck me as I eagerly breezed through the pages.  First, I was really intrigued by the decision to portray Ronnie as a suspect throughout the entire story.  I feel this is crucial in keeping the reader and future viewer on the edge of his seat.  It also adds to the effects of the open-ended climax.   I also admire the way the writer used the opening scene with the unlocked doors, and then allowed society and time to update the similar ending scene.  I thought this was really interesting and significant because it is so realistic and true how much things have changed over just these past few decades.  I also thought the character developments were more than sufficient.  As the reader, I felt an overwhelming emotion of sympathy for Harry and all the abuse the entire family received from Harry Sr.  Aside from young Harry’s wimpy mannerisms and lifestyle being broadcasted through his text words, the side characters were well developed also.  Ronnie’s anger and lunatic ways are clearly portrayed through his rebellious actions and words.  Mrs. De La Roche’s typical conservative and old-fashioned ways of being an obedient and naive wife are as clear as her husband’s crazed demeanor shown throughout the story.